far greater "joy"

today i received pictures of my friend's baby. her name is joy and she is marvelously beautiful. i have been very stand-offish with God over this whole childlessness situation,but i think today i may just open my lips and say it. it isn't because i'm feeling bold but because i am feeling broken. and when approaching God's throne, one thing is just as important as the other. i read this today,

"Get up, God! Are you going to sleep all day?
Wake up! Don't you care what happens to us?
Why do you bury your face in the pillow?
Why pretend things are just fine with us?
And here we are- flat on our faces in the dirt,
held down with a boot on our necks.
Get up and come to our rescue.
If you love us so much, HELP US!"
psalm 44:23-26

and that is where i am. i have been waiting for boldness, praying for boldness, hungering for boldness, yearning for boldness and nothing makes me bold. but each day breaks my heart more and when i saw that baby face this afternoon, that "joy" baby, i knew that i could no longer wait to be bold. i don't know what i'll say. it won't be "you promised, remember? do it." but maybe i'll just say the psalm over and over "if you love me so much, help me!" oh, how much i long to long for His will. oh, how much i want to obey. but oh, how much my heart wants a far greater "joy" of my own.