musings

as of today, it has been a week since i visited the old college haunts and played amoungst some old college friends. i have let the whole thing settle upon me before i could really find the true things to say. visits like this one touch me. i can go to a neighbors house or to a church function or to some outing and it never really crosses my mind again, but it is my nature to let precious things take hold of me and cocoon me. they bother me- not in a bad way, but in the way that i can't forget. i get bound- and for quite a while. so this is what i learned about myself on this trip:
* i get afraid that people won't like me, so i withdraw into myself, peering out from behind my heart hoping that others will see how deep i feel.
* i can't go back in one sense of the word; but God made me so that i can in some ways- and i find satisfaction in remembering the blessings of the past. it is much like the rock altar's in the wilderness- i can "see" in my mind the things that God has used to shape me. and i love to go back to them and remember the good and the bad of those lessons.
* i can be quite reserved when i feel insignificant and quite boisterous when i feel accepted.
* i wish people wouldn't tiptoe around me- i can take it.
* i love having fun. i love being silly. i can't help it that at 31, i still love to act like a fruit-loop.
* i am who i am, and it is time to stop using my "acting skills" to chameleon myself into a persona for the circumstance. being real is the only way God can refine me into a shining vessel for His reflection.
* i love very, very, very deeply and it intrigues me that that means very little to some.
* i forgive easily, but i don't forget. i'm forgiven easily by those who love me, but i still don't forget. i need to.
* i need to pray more personally and less formally and just say what i need to say. God knows it anyway- He will sort out my heart if i let Him.
* i revel in listening to people and think about what they have said long after the conversation is over.
* it would do me good to speak out more when something bothers me- i shouldn't carry it around like a coat
* i can only do so much and i shouldn't beat myself up over not being able to do more. i have to realize that God uses other's talents to fill in the holes that i have not the talent to fill. i didn't get every gift- i need to get over it and thank God for the ones He's given me.
* i love art and i'm thankful elea told me to buy the bowl. now she needs the chair.
* i learn a lot from such simple things as a weekend. i like that i learn. i like that each time a new experience comes to be, i find out more about myself.
* God has blessed me with some terrific people in my life. i need to love them the only way i know how and let God do the rest.